Maureen has worked for lopshift for over 1,000 years.  She knows everything there is to know about the business.  If Maureen ever took a day off sick, the entire business would collapse.  Maureen has never been promoted, but Mark did say “thank you” to her once, when she delivered an urgent contract to his house, at the weekend, whilst she was giving birth. 

Mark is the CEO of lopshift.  When he’s not humblebragging about his business skills on LinkedIn, he’s usually on the phone to investors explaining that it’s actually a good thing that the company is losing huge amounts of money.  Prone to outbursts of rage and blaming staff for his own mistakes, his idea of hell is being trapped in a lift with someone who doesn’t want to talk about how great he is.

Chad joined lopshift as an intern nine months ago.  His dad went to the same expensive school as Mark.  Chad makes up for his complete lack of ability with immense self-confidence.  Chad has been promoted three times and already earns more than any other employee.  Maureen dreams of all the different ways she could kill him.

Bot is Mark’s favorite employee.  He doesn’t sleep and he doesn’t get paid.  Bot is in charge of customer service.  Built from a Large Language Model and powered by AI, nothing is faster at giving customers the wrong information again and again.

Dylan is lopshift’s graphic designer.  Whenever Mark thinks of a new design Dylan spends days working on it before Mark changes his mind, or asks for something “like that, but less rubbish”.  Dylan is worried he may not have a job for much longer after he heard Mark asking Bot if he knew how to draw.  

Clive is lopshift’s happiest employee.  He loves numbers and works in accounts.  He doesn’t care if the company’s balance sheet is good or bad, as long as he gets to write lots of complicated formulas in Excel. 

Sarah is lopshift’s lawyer.  She has a stomach ulcer and only sleeps two hours a night.  Mark thinks Sarah might be pregnant because she usually throws up when he speaks to her.

Kelly is lopshift’s HR director.  Kelly believes that she only hires the world’s top talent to work at lopshift.  She also believes that 10% of the world’s top talent are useless and should be fired and replaced every year.  If you have any problems, her door is always open (but you’ll be leaving through the window).